Sasha decided to drive around for a while before heading home. She was having trouble getting the flashback out her mind and she was afraid of what she might do if she went home. Her therapist had told her when she felt like cutting or otherwise injuring herself to do anything she could think of to take her mind off her rage and the need to cut. She hoped driving around would help her, but she had her doubts. She kept seeing Eric, with her in the bathroom, over and over again. She didn't know why she had experienced the flashback. 'It must have been triggered by seeing Brian give Hannah a bath.' She mused. "But why?" She said aloud. "Brian doesn't look anything like Eric and I…" She sighed. 'I must have been 5 the first time. Hannah is 5. We both had long brown hair. The bath was just the trigger I needed to remember.' It was a break through. A break through she wished she hadn't experienced in front of Brian. She had never remembered back that far before. Her earliest memory prior to tonight had been at about 8 years of age. She had managed to block this one out up until tonight. Now it all came back to her. 'Driving around isn't helping me.' She thought as she realized she was driving with one hand and pressing her nails into the palm of the other. She turned the car toward home. 'I need to find something else. Maybe if I just try to go to sleep.' She reasoned. She pulled into her driveway and opened the garage door so she could drive in. She entered the house and disengaged the alarm system to the house so that she could walk around, but left the windows and doors engaged as a precaution. She was actually terrified of staying alone at night. She often slept with the lights on in her room and in the hall. 'Yet another life long fear instilled in me by Eric.' She thought as she flipped the switch to turn on the hall light.

'Maybe if I take a hot bubble bath it will relax me. That has worked in the past.' She went into the big bathroom in the center of the hall. The sight of the porcelain tub sent her into hysterics. Her breath caught in her throat. Her hands started to tremble. "What were you thinking?" She screamed at herself. 'You obviously weren't thinking were you? You are such an idiot! Did you stop to consider the consequences of your actions?' She chastised herself. Her hands were shaking. She bolted from the room. She knew she wasn't going to make it through the night with out cutting. She had one last resort. One last trick that might prevent her from reaching for a razorblade or worse yet, a knife. She went into the kitchen, to the sink. She turned the water on high, at the hottest setting she could get it to. She saw the steam rising off the metal. She thrust her wrists under the tap. She clenched her teeth against the pain of the scalding water. She held her hands under the tap until she felt her wrists go numb to the temperature of the water. She removed them and turned off the tap. They were starting to blister already. 'You stupid fool!' She cursed herself. 'Was that really any better than not cutting?' She ran her hands through her hair. The shame she felt was too much for her to bear. She went thru her room, into her bathroom. She removed her clothes and looked at the slashes on her stomach that had almost healed. She took a razorblade from her medicine cabinet. She paused, trying her hardest not to bring the blade close to her skin. Her hands were still trembling. She had done so well up until last week. She hadn't injured herself in almost six months. Then Kelli had told her Eric had moved to Pensacola. All of the fear she had been able to push aside came flooding back. The only night she hadn't cut had been last night. The night she had spent with Brian. "Oh God!" She cried. "That was so wrong! He is a married man! He is your boss!" She slid the blade across her abdomen. She watched as the blood slowly trickled to the surface of her skin and began running down her stomach. The elastic band of her underwear absorbed the flow of blood. She made another slit beside the first one and watched the process again. She felt the tension leave her body as the blood flowed out of the cuts. She sank down to the floor and started to cry. She rarely cried. She had learned early in life that crying only meant punishments would be more severe. She never let anyone see her cry. 'Brian saw you cry last night.' She scolded herself. 'That should have never happened!' She made a diagonal slit below the first two slits. Her skin burned as the blade sliced it open. 'And then you kissed him tonight! What were you thinking? He is your boss!' She made a fourth slit parallel to the third one. She must have used more pressure because the blood didn't trickle like the first three cuts had. It oozed dark red and flowed much faster than the prior cuts. She panicked. She grabbed a towel from the rack and put pressure on the cut. She stood up and opened her medicine cabinet. She removed a tube of cream and unscrewed the lid. She took the towel off her cuts and was relieved to see the last one was not bleeding nearly as much as it had at first. 'The last thing I want is to have to go to the emergency room again.' She washed her hands and the cuts with medicated soap. She spread the antibacterial cream over the wounds and then applied gauze bandages to them. The shame she felt for giving in to the rage had not diminished but the tension had left her body. She changed her underpants and slipped a t-shirt on. She went back into her room and turned back the covers. She climbed in and snuggled under the covers. She repeated her mantra to herself until she finally fell asleep.